Sunday Wisdom: Resolutions Resolved

Many of us have the annual tradition of setting resolutions to welcome in the New Year. Although most of those resolutions are soon forgotten, even as quickly as the end of the week, and most certainly by the end of the month, most of us continue to set them year after year. A quick perusal of early January journal entries from several years running may find us disappointed to learn that we keep setting the same goals, only to fail or forget them almost before the ink is dry.

How does this happen? Even if we set out with good intentions, day-by-day life happens. We skip a day of eating right or taking that fifteen minute walk we told ourselves we would faithfully do. We get distracted from scripture study or reading about a career path we’d like to pursue. We promise ourselves that tomorrow we will make the time or choices that will set us back on the path we promised, only to find that tomorrow never comes.

How can we change this pattern? How came we set resolutions that we can actually keep, ones that will move us forward on the path of self-actualization, the realization of our own true potential?

Picking the right goals is important to the process. Dr. Mike Murdock teaches, “Intolerance of your present creates your future.” We have to ask ourselves about the things we tolerate before we can honestly make a change in our patterns of behaviors that have led us where we are. Allowing ourselves to fluctuate between two clothing sizes doesn’t provide true motivation to stick with a lifestyle of healthier living. Fear of change will prevent us from moving forward with a new career, even to the point of stopping us from reading books or taking classes in the subject. Realizing that some of our friends or even family members are toxic to our emotional or spiritual well being, and that they must either change or be distanced from our lives gives us the power to move forward. Until we face what we can no longer tolerate and make the hard decisions to create a new future, we will be stuck in the same ruts we’ve long been walking.

Of course, the goals we make must be realistic. We may find it more helpful to master a set of smaller goals, rather than aiming toward the end. Of course it would be great to drop that extra 50 pounds, but it may take months to accomplish, and the journey can be discouraging. As a writer, I have goals to finish a manuscript, but I know I cannot write 70,000 words in a day. The process will take some time. Getting out of debt sounds like a wonderful idea, but draining your resources dry every month will cause more distress than chipping away at those credit card bills a smaller chunk at a time.

I find it is better to set specific goals. When goals are vague you never feel like you accomplish anything. Being debt free is too vague. Paying off one credit card before tackling the balance of another allows you to see that having and maintaining a zero balance can be done. Those 50 pounds come off easier than saying I want to be thin, no matter how daunting the number 50 might seem. Writing a novel at 500 words a day gets you more progress than telling people you want to write a novel someday. Sitting around for years complaining about how dissatisfied with your job will only make you miserable, and could lead to getting you fired, but taking steps toward improving your education could lead you to an even better position, even if it’s only within the same company. As we read in Mosian 4:27, “It is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength . . . All things must be done in order.” Setting smaller goals takes us toward the possibly, without making the journey impossible.

Of course we will continue to face difficulties and challenges along the way, but those are often the places we learn the most. Robert G. Allen shares, “I learned the most profound life lessons, from my own challenges; they are some of my core lessons in life.” As the Chinese proverb states, “If you get up one more time than you fall you will make it through.”

But that resolution to keep getting up and to make the change has to come from you. Michael Jackson told us if we’re going to change the world, we have to start with the “Man in the Mirror,” and that’s the same place we have to start to make the changes within ourselves. Get up one more time, break our goals into manageable steps, and choose goals that are worth are worth fighting for, and with the help of the Lord, we will make it through.

The Book of Mormon Challenge

If you happen to be a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, then you know that 2012 is a Book of Mormon year. If you’re not a member, and therefore unfamiliar with the way classes work within the LDS church, that just means that this year the focus of study in Sunday School will be on the teachings of the Book of Mormon.

We go on a four year rotation schedule, with each year being a different segment of what we call the Standard Works, spending one year each on the Old Testament, New Testament, Book of Mormon, and Doctrine & Covenants/Pearl of Great Price.

If you happen to live near a book store that carried LDS products, you will see an increase this year in books that support members’ study of The Book of Mormon. Of course, reading and studying the scriptures alone can provide a wonderfully spiritual experience, but like you might find as you study the book of Isaiah in the Old Testament, sometimes using outside resources can help you discover a deeper understanding than you might have had on your own.

I’ve taken the challenge to reread the Book of Mormon in 2012. By reading only one chapter each day, I will finish the book by the end of August. I’d like to invite you to do the same. If you don’t own a copy of The Book of Mormon, or if you prefer to have a digital copy, you can find links at http://lds.org/scriptures?lang=eng. This link also gives you access to all sorts of supplementary materials like videos, user-friendly tools like word/subject search, and cross-references to others of the standard works. There are also links where you can have a free copy of The Book of Mormon delivered to you by the missionaries.

I hope many of you will join me in my reading this year. Whether you are LDS or not, by reading this book you will find a strength of spirit that comes from learning more about Jesus Christ, Our Lord.

May this coming year bring you the blessings of the tender mercies of spoken of in 1 Nephi 1: 20, “But behold, I, Nephi, will show unto you that the tender mercies of the Lord are over all those whom he hath chosen, because of their faith, to make them mighty even unto the power of deliverance.”

Sunday Wisdom: But I Gotta Have It NOW!

We live in a world of immediate gratification. If the internet doesn’t find our desired website in less than a half-second, we complain the connection is too slow. If our best friend doesn’t respond to our tweet right away, we turn to our cell phone to send them a text. If we hear a song we like, we push the buttons for an instant download. And the list goes on.

Not a one of us seems to have an ounce of patience anymore when it comes to getting what we want.

Now, you might think that’s good. If we don’t have the patience to wait, then surely that means we have the drive to push forward until we succeed. But do we really? Does impatience reap hard work and dedication, or leave us frustrated and mad when we don’t get what we want?

Like the two-year-old who throws a temper tantrum, yelling “But I WANT it!” do we sometimes throw a tantrum of our own when gratification isn’t as immediate as we want it?

And what about rejection, when the answer stays NO? Do we lose all focus about our long-range goals because something we see as important or desired in the here-and-now doesn’t work out the way we want it?

In the past I’ve heard a couple of stories that illustrate the concept “Champions make decisions that create the future they desire–Losers make decisions that create the present they desire.”

Perhaps you’ve heard the story about Superstar NBA basketball icon Michael Jordan. When Michael was a sophomore in high school he tried out for the school team, and he didn’t make the cut. The coach thought Jordan would never be much of a basketball player. He was short and untalented, missed too many shots during try-outs, and overall didn’t seem like an asset to the team.

Michael could have taken that message to heart by leaving the game of basketball behind. But instead he realized that if he wanted to make the team, he was going to have to work, and work HARD.

For hours each day, Michael would stand in the driveway to his house, shooting the basketball into the hoop. Free throws, lay-ups, even a little one-on-one until his skills improved.

The next year when he tried out for the team, the coach didn’t think he was the same young man. Not only had he grown in height, but his growth as a player was phenomenal.

And we all know the rest of the story. Michael Jordan is considered the finest player to ever grace the game. His dedication to hard work continued throughout his entire NBA career. He saw the value of patience, and used that extra time to his best advantage.

In a similar story, once a master pianist was approached by a concert-goer and the conversation went like this:

“I would give anything to play the piano like that but I just never had the time,” the concert-goer said.

To which the master pianist replied, “I did. I gave my life.”

Like Michael Jordan, the master pianist did not stop before he even started. Practice, combined with dedication and hard work gave him the skills of a master.

There are things in our day to day life that we think we want. Trinkets we believe we must have, even when we can’t afford them. Relationships we want but which we don’t work to fully develop. Values we want to attain, but which we don’t live in accordance with reaching them.

If we someday want to be like our Master, then we, too, need to work hard.

You’ve likely heard the statement often attributed in pop culture to Jesus: “I didn’t say it would be easy, only that it would be worth it.”

The only way we will ever have it NOW, is to get started working toward whatever it is that we want immediately. Make you choices, set your goals, put yourself in the right circumstance, then get busy.

Your gratification will come in the power and pride you feel within yourself during the process, but the reward only comes when we keep in mind to have it NOW, we have to also be working.

Sunday Wisdom: Starting the New Year Right

Whether we like the idea of resolutions or not, most of us start the new year with at least a mental list of things we’d like to do, changes we’d like to make in our lives for the coming year. Those changes may be about our bodies–the perpetual exercise more, and eat less. They might be about our physical surroundings–declutter the house or a workspace. Or they could be could be about relationships–spend more time with your spouse or children. They might even be about improving our spiritual selves–spend time each day reading the scriptures.

Whatever the resolutions you make, none of them will ever happen if you don’t first, write them down, and second, give them regular check-ups.

Finding the right resolutions for ourselves can help us stick with and complete those resolutions. A resolution is really nothing more than a goal we set for ourselves. Sometimes they are easy, but most of the time they are difficult.

The reason? We set goals that are nearly impossible for us to ever achieve. Instead of goals, perhaps we seek dreams. Of course we’d like to wake up one day and find ourselves the perfect weight. Who wouldn’t like to have an unlimited supply of money? And when we get right down to the core of our desires, most people would like to have the freedom to use their time the way they want, when they want, and with no forced limitations.

We may not be able to have any of that ever given to us, but if we are willing to work toward our goals, and do so consistently, there isn’t much we can’t become, if we really want to. If you want to become thin, curb your habits of eating chocolates and add more movement to your daily routine. If you want to become wealthy, stop spending so much of your income, learn to invest, and maximize your education to bring in more money each month. If you want to be more spiritual, schedule time to read your scriptures, attend the temple, or provide service for others. Get the picture?

“Set your goals—without goals you can't measure your progress,” Elder Marvin J. Ashton taught. “But don't become frustrated if the victories don't come quickly or easily. Remind yourself that striving can be more important than arriving. If you are striving for excellence—if you are trying your best day by day with the wisest use of your time and energy to reach realistic goals—you are a success, and you can feel proud of your accomplishments."

I once read this quote: “The greatest quality on earth is the willingness to become.” There are many things each of us would like to become, but the only way it will ever happen is for us to get started. Elder Richard G. Scott says, “To reach a goal you have never before attained, you must do things you have never before done.”

No matter where the focus of your goals might be, you must do something different from what you’ve ever done if you hope to achieve great things. So, this year, do something different. Pick an area or two of your life you want to change, give yourself two or three very specific goals, set a time to have those goals accomplished, and write it all down!
Then schedule a resolution check-up 30 days from now. Evaluate your progress. Discover what’s working, and repair what’s not.

If you’ve hit your goal, celebrate! Then choose a new goal and start again–no one ever said it HAD to be January to begin. Rather than worrying about the start of a new year, let’s think instead of starting toward a new YOU.

That’s the kind of resolution I can live with.

Wisdom Keys: Silence is Golden

Part of my personality refuses to let me practice the skill of keeping my mouth shut! I know I should, and I understand life would likely be easier if I could just manage to not share my opinions in a variety of situations. But like it or not, I find it difficult to bridle my passions, especially when someone gets my anger riled up.

That’s how I’m feeling right now about one of my son’s school teachers. I wrote her a nice note, verifying some information, and I got back a scathing report on my son, all based on a behavior she should have let me know about at the beginning of the school year instead of waiting until six weeks into the quarter. Whether she meant it or not, a tone of unearned arrogance came through her lengthy tirade.

Hmm. . .maybe I’m not the only one who opens her mouth and speaks words that should not be spoken—well, in this case, emails them.

Of course, that didn’t stop me from replying to her message, maybe in a little more swarthy tone that my initial query, but hey, when her story doesn’t quite match up with what I’m hearing from my son, the principal, and my own observations of her, then I’m not going to let her dictate my son’s educational future.

In the end, I might have made the situation worse, but who knows. There is such a thing as being able to speak up for what is right. I did make every attempt to appear cordial in my response, but in the back of my mind I’m considering just moving him to a different school.

Today in church one of the women spoke about having a similar difficulty of knowing when to keep quiet. She said, “We’ve been given two ears and one mouth for a reason. We should learn to use them in the correct ratio, or we stand the chance of speaking too soon without having really listened if we don’t.”

I thought it was brilliant and even took the time to write it down so I could add it to this essay.

I know there is a place for silence—silence cannot be misquoted—but sometimes one just cannot be forced to remain so. Of course, that does lead to another life lesson—choices have their consequences.

I just hope that this time, the consequence doesn’t make life worse for my son.

Wisdom Keys: Habitually Yours

I’ve fought a lifelong battle of the bulge, meaning that most of my life have carried more weight than I should. I’ve tried diets; I’ve had times of my life when I’ve been fairly thin, but somehow those periods have been short-lived. Someone has said something about my weight—something non-supportive of the new, thinner me—and I’ve found myself quickly climb right back up to where I was before, maybe even adding a few new pounds above and beyond where I started.

I started reading Women, Food and God: An Unexpected Path to Almost Everything the other night, and although I haven’t gotten far, it made me start thinking about my eating habits. Do I eat because I’m hungry, or do I eat because it’s time to? Do I eat just enough to satisfy my hunger, or do I eat a set amount because that’s what I’ve trained myself to do? Do I eat in certain situations just because that’s what I do, rather than waiting until I’m really hungry?

Dr. Phil McGraw talks in his book The Ultimate Weight Solution: The 7 Keys to Weight Loss Freedom about the need to change your environment, to remove those triggers that set us into mindless eating.

We’ve all developed eating habits when we were very young children, and unless we become conscious of them, those habits will rule our lives for years. As I was eating pizza last night, I stopped to think about my childhood pizza habit. I clearly remember my mother putting three pieces of pizza onto my plate. After I ate them, I could get one more piece as a second helping.

Second helping? Count it more like a FOURTH helping, since I’d already had three helpings before.

As I ate the final piece—number four—last night, I realized I was more than full—I was STUFFED! So, why did I do it? Why did I eat four large pieces—all much larger than the four my mother used to feed me by the way. Because taking four pieces of pizza was my habit!

Breaking habits is not easy, but if we can do so, we can certainly change our outcomes. We are the ones responsible for what we do. Men decide their habits. Their habits decide their future.

If I stop eating the amount of food I’ve trained myself to take, and start eating just enough to satiate my hunger, I should lose weight. It’s a natural cause and effect, my body’s natural system of checks and balances.

What other checks and balances do we have in our lives? Are their other habits we acquire that put us on a path of ill-health—physically, spiritually, mentally, or emotionally?

Those bad habits can only be truly gone when we replace them with positive ones. It takes faith, effort, and conscious thought to do so, and we may find ourselves working on the same bad habit again and again.

If we try to change too many bad habits to good ones, all at the same time, we will likely fail. Take inventory of yourself. What would you most like to change? Is it your weight? The way you treat other people? The study habits you have failed to develop?

When it comes to a bad habit, maybe you’ve been guilty of thinking or saying, “That’s just the way I am.” No, that’s just the way you allow yourself to be. It will take a conscious effort to change that path that leads you astray into one that brings you peace. And the good thing is, we are not alone.

The Savior promised: “Whatsoever ye shall ask the Father in my name, which is right, believing that ye shall receive, behold it shall be given unto you” (3 Nephi 18:20). With the Lord’s help, you can change.

This can be true when it comes to making our lives in general better than we through possible. It applies when it comes to our habits regarding educational and occupational choices. And it can apply when it comes to choosing our diet and controlling our weight, too.

Make a decision, then form a habit that leads you toward the real end goal, not the one that was set years ago.

Wisdom Keys: Open a New Window

Do you ever feel like life is passing you by? Like you’re not where you wanted to be when you started? Have you made some bad choices along the way—ones that didn’t turn out like you expected them to or perhaps were intentional, but which you now regret?

It happens to the best of us. We think we know what’s best for ourselves at the time, but later realize either that the choices we made got us nowhere or that perhaps they weren’t such great choices after all.

Where does that leave us? Are we stuck now forever, hoping that if we just keep traveling down that same path, somehow the road we’re on will lead us to a better outcome?

The simple truth is, that’s not going to happen. Change will not happen unless you change!

How do we make that happen? In the words of Auntie Mame, “Open a new window. Open a new door. Travel a new highway that’s never been traveled before.”

This kind of change in direction is especially important if you’ve found yourself drawn into a lifestyle or situation that puts your spirit into jeopardy. All too often those who have pulled away from their church have done so because they’ve made a mistake, one they fear others will see as a mark against them. Then rather than repenting and correcting that mistake, their pride keeps them on the road of least resistance, the path that lets them sin and sin again, never having to face the hard part or seeking forgiveness.

Even though the individual might acknowledge they are no longer at all close to where they intended to be, the way back seems harsh and difficult—too difficult to face. They hold the errant belief that where they are is where they must stay because “God doesn’t want a sinner like me.”

But that is what God does want, with a little additional effort on our part. God does want a sinner. . . to repent, to change, and follow the new pathway He has set, the one that leads us all to a better place.

And the good thing, God never consults your past to determine your future. It doesn’t matter where you’ve been, what road you’ve gone down, where you were headed, He is ready to welcome you onto the right path.

As we read in Alma in the Book of Mormon, “Behold, he sendeth an invitation unto all men, for the arms of mercy are extended towards them, and he saith: Repent, and I will receive you.”

Elder Neil A. Andersen says, “For most, repentance is more a journey than a one-time event. It is not easy. To change is difficult. It requires running into the wind, swimming upstream.”

The work may be hard, but it will be worth it in the end.

How sad it must be to reach the final days of your life and find yourself filled with regret. If only I’d spent more time with my kids. If only I’d accomplished more of the goals I had set for myself when I was young. If only I’d allowed myself to repent and come closer to God.

Now is the time. If you have something in your life that isn’t taking you closer to the place you want to be, then start the change.

In the words of President Gordon B. Hinckley, “There is so great a need for repentance and forgiveness. When there has been wrongdoing and then there has come repentance, followed by forgiveness, then literally the offender who was lost is found, and he who was dead is made alive.”

“Simply travel a new highway. Dance to a new rhythm. Whistle a new song,” and soon you’ll find yourself headed exactly where you want to be, and this time the outcome will be great.

Wisdom Keys: Problem Solving

I remember back in the days, before I was a wife and mother, when the hardest problems I had to solve included how much longer I could sleep after the alarm clock rang, what outfit I was going to wear to work, and how long it would take me to commute there. I lived on my own, and any difficulties that came my way were almost always of my own doing.

As a new wife I soon learned that I would be expected to be a sounding board for my husband as he worked through solving his own problems. He wanted to bounce ideas off me, asking for my opinion before he decided what to do. It was great to feel needed, but I have to admit, most often I felt myself burdened down with worry over situations where I had no control, and it wore me out. If I went to him to discuss my own problems, he wanted to jump right in and fix it, although that isn’t what I wanted at all. I just needed him to listen, but that isn’t what a man is wired to do.

Once children entered into the picture, the problems seemed to become non-stop. All of our boys are adopted; only one of them at the toddler age. Each of them carried their own set of baggage when they came to live with us. My husband and I have had many trials just learning how to interact with them in a way they might hopefully listen to anything we try to teach. That problem alone has become at times monumental.

As I consider the idea of problem solving, I’m coming to learn that there is no way every problem can be solved. That is especially true when you want to jump in and solve a problem that is really someone else’s problem to solve. Right this very moment, my youngest is sitting next to me whining about what kind of snack he should have. Unfortunately for him, this is not my problem to solve. No matter what suggestion I make, it’s not what he wanted, so there is no way I can give him a solution which will find him satisfied.

Dr. Mike Murdock once said: “You will only be remembered for two things: the problems you solve, or the ones you create.”

As a wife, mother, teacher and adult, I go about solving lots of problems every day. Some of the are minor; some perhaps more great. Perhaps I’ll someday be remembered for those solutions, but maybe not. Solving problems for points only comes in those math class assignments most of us grew to hate. Life doesn’t keep a tally.

If I could build a better mousetrap, find a cure for the common cold, or bring about world peace, then maybe my problem solving actions would make a bigger splash, but for right now, I’m content just solving a few of those little problems and letting the others fade away. If it’s not my problem to solve then I must be content to let others fret over the reasons why.

That brings me to the second part of Dr. Murdock’s statement—“the ones you create.”

The world is filled with people creating problems. All you have to do is turn on the television during any news program to see the evidence. Wars exist on everything from terror to obesity. Violence erupts over both abortion clinics and TV stations that promote shows about people with too many children such as the recent hostage situation at the Discovery Channel. Arguments ensue over both love and marriage. We live in a raging battlefield.

Even in our own lives we often bring on our problems by the choices we make. When we fail to listen to that still small voice, the conscience which is alive within each of us from the moment of birth, we put ourselves onto the path we must take. When our outcomes are not what we had expected, it’s usually because we made the choice to move just a little bit to the side of the road.

Like the train who took the wrong switch path and ended up in New York instead of Florida, one little mistake, one small error can make a drastic change in our final destination. That’s why it’s so important to actually make choices, and not just follow the path of least resistance or the one someone else tells us to take. 

The decision for each of us is whether we want to be held responsible for making problems, or for being the one who is able to come up with the right solutions. And that’s a problem worth solving when it leads us to a better life.

Wisdom Keys: Do Something Different

Day in, day out, your life is always the same. You know you’re stuck in a rut, but you don’t know what to do to get yourself out. Whatever happened to all those big dreams you had? Where did the plans for success, fortune, and travel all disappear? Worse yet, will you be able to get them all back? And if you do, will you ever achieve any of those dreams, or will you soon find yourself right back in that same old rut?

Some people attribute the maxim, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results” to Albert Einstein. It doesn’t really matter who said it first, because the idea is still sound. Yet how often do we find ourselves doing the same thing over and over, hoping that some how things will change, our life will be different, or we will end up with a different outcome?

Unfortunately, making those changes that bring us the life we want are more difficult than we might imagine. The ruts we build are often deep, and getting out of them may take a lot of effort, more than we’ve developed the muscles to climb.

I’ve often heard my students say, Next year things will be different. Next year I’ll get straight A’s. Next year I have perfect attendance. Next year, next year, next year.” But next year comes, and guess what? Things soon slip back into being exactly the same.

Changing behaviors is work, especially those we lead us to an easy way out. Water always runs in the path of least resistance, and unless we keep a diligent watch, so do our reactions to a rocky path. Our reactions become complacent, and pretty soon, we’re right back where we started from, moving along at the bottom of that rut.

If we can’t bring ourselves up and out of the rut, what can we do about reaching those dreams? The answer is really simple, even if the work we must to do reach our goals are not: When you want something you never had, you have got to do something you have never done.

You want to be successful? Then you’ve got to look at yourself as though you were already a success. You’ve got to dress the part, believe you are, and associate with those who already are. If that means you must find new friends, change your job, or save to buy better quality clothes, you do it. If you don’t envision yourself as being who you want to be, you’ll never find yourself there, somewhere at the top.

You want to accumulate a fortune? Then you’ve got to stop spending money like a fool. Wealthy people invest in themselves, in their future, and don’t try to impress the neighbors before they have the means to do so. Learn to pay yourself first, setting aside 10% of your income in a place where it can grow and work for you. Give the second 10% to you church, returning back to God what he gave you in the first place, planting your seed for tomorrow’s harvest. Then stop thinking that the people who throw around their money, seeking pleasure in fancy cars, expensive homes, and other devices are the place you want to go. Use your money to become debt free, then learn the value of true charity. You will be wealthier in both money and spirit than you ever thought you could be.

You think you want to travel? Then travel with a purpose. Offer your knowledge to others who need to learn. Offer your muscles to those who need help. Offer your time to those who are alone. Find someone, someplace, or some cause that needs you and go there willingly. And while you’re there keep your eyes open. Opportunity abounds for those who seek. You will learn more about the people and the area by providing service to them than you ever would by spending outrageous sums of money just to travel around the world.

You’ll never find something different unless you are willing to do something different. Don’t let that rut you’ve fallen into keep you on the path to insanity. Start today to make that change, and you’ll find that all your tomorrows are incredible surprises, just waiting to be discovered.

Wisdom Keys: Never Spend More Time on a Critic Than You Would Give to a Friend

Everybody’s a critic, and the word alone means those people rarely have anything nice to say. I had a good friend express her concerns this week about a negative review that was left for her by a reader. Like a sore tooth, the hurtful words took joy away from my friend—at least on an emotional level—all the praise and kudos she’s received from hundreds of others not only for this book, but for her other bodies of work as well. In her mind, she fully understood that it was just one person—a lone voice ranting in the wilderness—but that didn’t change the hurt that came along with it.

I’ve heard it said that it takes us seven experiences with praise to counter-balance a single negative comment delivered to us, even by someone who claims to only be giving constructive criticism. Is there really such a thing? If the offering was unrequested, then perhaps those words are better left unsaid.

Like the saying goes, you can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar. If you truly want to bring about change, then perhaps you should look at the words that are said, or choose to leave them unsaid if that’s the better way.

But what if you’re the one hearing those vinegar-laced words? My mother always told me to 'consider the source'. Would that critic set out to deliberately hurt you? Or are they just so blind they cannot see? If their actions seem deliberate, why would they do such a thing? Sometimes it might be out of jealousy, others could be because they simply don’t understand. Maybe they think they are doing you the good they believe you need. A critic is anyone who expresses a value judgment, and if their value differs from yours this may lead them to an erroneous conclusion—one they seem compelled to share, for whatever the reason.

In any case, we should never place more value—or spend more time—on the words of a critic than we would ascribe to those of a friend. The value of friendships is immeasurable in our lives. The listening ear, and open mind, a pat on the back, a word of support when the thorns of life seem to come our way.

True friendships carries with it the desire to give what is best to each other, feel both love and empathy for those we befriend; and maintain honesty, perhaps in situations where it may be difficult for others to speak the truth, not to criticize or correct, but to maintain an openness beget of nothing but true love. Friendship means a basis of mutual understanding and compassion for one another, and foundation or trust, and a place to go for emotional support.

As Walter Winchell once said, “A friend is one who walks in when others walk out.”

With such as these, we should spend our emotions, ignoring those who would seek to do us harm, both physically and emotionally, with their criticizing tongue. Elder David E. Sorensen once said, “It can be very difficult to forgive someone the harm they’ve done us, but when we do, we open ourselves up to a better future. No longer does someone else’s wrongdoing control our course. When we forgive others, it frees us to choose how we will live our own lives.”

So, forgive our critics, those who trespass against us, and set ourselves free. The time we spend on them is time taken away from us to go about doing good in the world, sharing our talents, and building ourselves into a better you and me.  

And that’s what will make this world a better, kinder, and more loving place to be.

Wisdom Keys: Change Your Focus

Have you ever taken a photograph that turned out to be blurry? Maybe your hand shook as you snapped the shot. Perhaps there was a smudge on the camera lens. If could be that the film speed wasn’t set right and that became the culprit. In any case, no matter what you do in the post-editing, you simply cannot change the focus of that photo once it’s already been taken.

Like that blurry photo, sometimes our lives become too far out of focus. We forget the goals we once had in the process of living from day-to-day. The dream career, perfect home, wonderful children, and life filled with traveling all become a boring job, a house that needs a good cleaning and lots of small repairs, kids who sometimes appear a little more dirty that we might like, and the last thing even close to taking a vacation was the drive from home down to the grocery without a screaming kid parked in the back seat of the mini-van.

Not that there is anything inherently wrong with that scenario, other than the fact it wasn’t quite what we thought we wanted. If we let ourselves sit around a think, “I hate my life,” then guess what—it will never get better.

You probably all know someone who never seems to have a good thing to say about anything. Complain, complain, complain. If you let yourself listen to the things they say wither one of two things will happen—you will start to feel so uncomfortable listening to them that you will leave, or you’ll just right in, sharing woes of your own.

And what happens if you take the second course? Pretty soon you become the person everyone knows who does nothing but complain about life.

Is that the way you really want to be? Somehow I don’t think so. We have higher aspirations in life. We set goals to make ourselves better. We look far into the future to help us keep out end results in mind. The simple truth is, losers focus on what they are going through, they are the whiners of the world. While champions focus on what they are going to do, then get themselves busy and do it.

What can you do it you find yourself a whiner and headed toward being a loser as a result? Look at the people you regularly associate with and make a change. Thomas S. Monson suggests, “Associate with those who, like you, are planning not for temporary convenience, shallow goals, or narrow ambition, but rather for those things that matter most—even eternal objectives. Choose your friends with caution; plan your future with purpose; and frame your life with faith.”

Like preparing for the better snapshot, you need to get your life in focus.

Champions find their inner determination, make themselves work with discipline, and use that burning desire to get them moving. They are not satisfied to sit around a wish that someday their dreams will come true.

Champions enjoy hard work and love the game. They plan for success. They are competent and optimistic. They visualize success, for themselves and are willing to help others. Champions are consistent, creative, and focused. Champions never quit.

Losers can’t hold it together for any of these things long than for a short period, usually less than a season of their lives.

But that doesn’t mean we can’t change. If you want to become a champion, you’ve got to change your focus. Find new friends. Change you job if its taking you nowhere. See yourself as the best in your field, then work hard to be there.

When it comes to being a winner, it’s up to you to make, then take the better picture.

Wisdom Keys: What You Repeatedly Hear You Will Eventually Believe

Perhaps you’ve heard the line often attributed to Adolph Hitler: “If you repeat a lie often enough, it becomes the truth.” Based on the source alone, you might be hesitant to believe it is true, but, like it or not, the idea is sound.

Politicians use repetition all the time to sway our vote. “Vote for me. I’ll solve all your problems. My opponent believes. . .(insert an option here that the people won’t like). Then the campaign runs that commercial repeatedly on every form of media at their disposal, pounding the negative idea into our heads until there is no way we will vote for the other guy, unless we do because we’ve heard the other candidate’s name so often in the negative campaigning that it’s the one embedded into our memory once we reach the polls.

According to the advertising industry, a potential client needs to see your ads at least seven times before they'll act on it. Only seven times and the new information is in your long-term memory forever. Consider the new song you hear on the radio. The first few times you might hum along, catching a phrase or two that sticks with you. Usually the first words you remember are the oft-repeated chorus. Eventually you learn the rest of the words, sometimes whether you want to or not. I’m sure each of us knows the lyrics to a song we can’t stand–“The Lion Sleeps Tonight”–and finds the words stuck in our heads the rest of the day anytime we run across the song out of happenstance.

The things we hear repeatedly bore into our minds and become a solid part of who we are. Too often the things we hear come from our own minds, and they are usually negative. When we assign ourselves negative labels–You’re fat. You’re too stupid. You can’t do that.–we can be guilty of stopping our own progression toward the goals we want and the potential within us. We become our own worst enemy.

But what can we do to turn our lives around? How can we change that little negative voice with so much power into a force for good within our own minds?

Believe.

Think and Grow Rich author Napoleon Hill once said, “Cherish your visions and your dreams as they are the children of your soul, the blueprints of your ultimate achievements.” Protestant preacher and author Norman Vincent Peale (The Power of Positive Thinking) said, “Change your thoughts, and you change your world.” We are even told in the New Testament book of Matthew: “And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive.”

Did you catch that? All things. Not just some things, yet how many times have we been guilty of picking and choosing those scriptures we will believe and those we do not? If we believe part of the scriptures to be true, then why not all? As we learn in Proverbs 3: 4-5, “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not to thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him and he shall direct thy paths.”

Change the negative thoughts in your head to those which are more positive, and you will find your life begins to change for the better. Trust and believe that you can lose weight, and you’ll find your actions become more supportive of that goal. Tell yourself you can learn whatever it is you need to know, and you’ll find a sudden hunger for knowledge that can be gained through reading or taking courses. If you want to change an aspect of your life or relationships, you can do that, if you only believe in yourself and you are willing to put forth the effort to do so.

Find those positive affirmations that work best for you and repeat them often. Act as if the things you say are true. Then watch the changes that come about in your life, and perhaps in the lives of the people around you. You’ll be amazed at what you can accomplish, if you only believe.

Wisdom Keys: The Secret of Your Future is Hidden in Your Daily Routine

If your life is anything like mine, you hit the floor running the moment you get out of bed, and fall back into bed at the end of the day, exhausted beyond measure. Sometimes you find it hard to remember exactly what you did accomplish on a certain day, or perhaps you even wonder if you managed to really accomplish anything.

It’s hard to imagine finding the time to add anything to our already-busy lives, even if making a simple change might make all the difference in bringing us more satisfaction, greater wealth, or an abundance of spiritual blessings.

We know we should participate in daily scripture reading. Prayer should be a regular part of our lives. Spending quality time with our spouse and children should be a top priority. Giving service to others in our neighborhood, church, and community should be a top priority.

But where on earth will we find the time?

Because I currently balance two full time careers, people often ask me, “How do you do it all? Where do you find the time?”

The fact is, I never find the time—I must MAKE the time.

When I have a specific writing deadline, there is no time for television, playing games on Facebook, or going to movies. If I have an obligation for a conference or other presentation, I shuffle critique group, book club, and reading to other nights or spare moments. When I’m required to give additional hours to my teaching job, no excuses will suffice—I simply must be there.

Should I not do the same to make time for my spiritual growth as well? As the Lord reminds us, “No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other” (Matthew 6:24). If we allow all of our time to be taken up in the pattern of everyday living, promising ourselves we will find the time tomorrow to start daily scripture reading or next week for family prayer, both days will pass and no change will come.

Just as we must do if we want to further our careers, we must also improve our spiritual moments by making the time, scheduling time for prayer, scripture study, attending church meetings, going to the temple.

Look for those brief segments of time throughout the day that could be better utilized. Do you have a commute, wait for appointments, or attend your child’s sporting events? Can you spend a few moments in quiet meditation, memorize an Article of Faith, or study a single chapter from the scriptures while you wait?

I calculated that by reading only three chapters a day, I can complete the entire Old Testament in less than a year. Since the scriptures are online, I can read them at home or at work without carrying the set with me. I can even download a free mp3 version if I prefer to listen. When it comes to prayer, the Lord is used to hearing from me often as I drive to and from my job. The car is quiet, I’m all alone, and I don’t have to worry about lots of interruptions as I talk openly with my Father in Heaven.

Finding time to improve the spiritual me will also pay off when it comes to meeting my temporal needs. If I make the time to develop my testimony, study the scriptures, and talk to the Lord in prayer, I know he will listen and respond when I ask for the things I might need. By making the Lord part of my daily routine, I will become the person He has meant me to be.

“For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also” (Matthew 6:21; Luke 12:34; 3 Nephi 13:21) and if I want a treasure, the first place I need to look is where I’ve set my heart.

And that is where I’ll find the secret of my future.

Wisdom Keys: Never Complain About What You Permit

I habitually stay up too late. I’ve always got a million things going which keeps me running from place to place and task to task almost every night. All too often I find myself just making it into the bedroom to settle down for the night well after ten o’clock, and often more like eleven.

If I were to go to sleep immediately, then some nights I would get eight hours of sleep before the six o’clock alarm rang. But, I’m one of those people who needs at least thirty minutes of time to wind down before I can even think about sleeping. The best way for me to relax is to read, so I pick up a book and begin.

Unfortunately I get involved in the story and suddenly realize it’s nearly midnight and going to sleep is an absolute necessity, so I close the book, turn off the light and drift off. In the morning, if I’m tired, I can’t complain too much because it’s something I brought on myself.

But what about those other times I want to complain? Am I running late because I didn’t plan ahead? Did I allow someone to annoy me? Do I bring on stress because I didn’t take care of something I should have in the first place?

How many times do we find ourselves in a situation we wish we could change? Do we prefer to take care of the problem, or are we happier when we sit and complain?

Complaining seems to have become a way of life for some people. Just listen when a group of friends or even strangers sit around together. What do you hear? “I wish my boss would let me take a few extra days off. My kids never do what I ask them to do. My husband always leaves his dirty socks on the floor. My bills are astronomical.” On and on and on. . . the same ideas come through no matter who you seem to talk to these days.

How did we get to be such a complaining people? Elder Richard G. Scott says, “We should never complain, when we are living worthily, about what happens in our lives.”

So what are we doing that causes us to complain? President Gordon B. Hinckley says, “By and large, I have come to see that if we complain about life, it is because we are thinking only of ourselves.”

Ouch!

Life really is pretty good, when you think about it. We have people we care about and who care for us all around us. Our basic needs are being met, even if our sometimes outrageous wants are not. We have the power to change our lives and the world around us for good if we only take the steps to do so.

Are we complaining about the very things we permit? Are they things we could probably change? Where might we begin?

President Spencer W. Kimball used to keep a little sign on his desk that simply read, “Do it.”

The idea might not seem too simple, but in reality it’s not. If you’re unhappy with something that is happening in your home, talk it over with your spouse, siblings, children or others who are directly involved and see if a compromise can be reached. If you don’t like your job, what are you doing to prepare for a different job? Have you done anything to curb your spending?

If we are permitting situations into our lives that cause us to complain, then we have to be the one to make whatever changes necessary to remove the reason to complain. We need to “Do it.”

If you want more money—spend less and make more. If you want the members of your family to help you with the chores—make your wishes and the consequences clear. If you need to find a better job—set your goals, get yourself educated then take the plunge.

And as for me—if I want to get a better night’s sleep I need to rearrange my daily schedule so I have my thirty minutes to relax before it’s time to drift off to sleep.

Wisdom Keys: Wisdom Keys and the Gospel

Perhaps because I wasn’t raised LDS, I have a soft spot in my heart for listening to what other people have to say about the gospel, through both spoken word and music. It’s interesting to hear their viewpoints, glean from them words of wisdom, and consider how their teachings compare with what I know to be true.
In April 1996, President Gordon B. Hinckley, of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, advised the members of the church to “Look for the good in those about you, add emphasize on that good. Other churches also do much good, but this is the ‘true and living church’ of the Lord Jesus Christ, whose name it bears (see D&C 1:30).” (Stand True and Faithful. Ensign, May 1996) So I look and I listen.
Just last night I stopped and watched a few minutes of a Gaither Homecoming being aired on CMT. I grew up listening to the music of Bill and Gloria Gaither—literally. They sometimes attended the Church of God in Alexandria, Indiana, where I was a regular member in my youth. (On a side-note, Joey Martin—you probably know her as Joey + Rory—was also raised attending in that same church, where her mother June used to sing as well.)
The Gaithers might present a special number, or sometimes Bill’s brother Danny or his sister Mary Anne would perform. Bill used to be an English teacher at my high school, but by the time I got there, he was traveling full time, spreading the word around the world through his gospel music.
One of my favorite songs written by Bill was “He Touched Me,” a song that came to the attention of the King himself—Elvis—who came to my little home town to record the song for one of his albums.
Yes, I love old-time gospel music, but I also enjoy listening to a great preacher once in awhile. Oh, I love hearing the word spoken from the General Authories during conference, but there is just something that still captures my attention about those TV evangelists and the messages they deliver that makes me perk up and take notice, looking at where their beliefs and mine meet on a common road.
Among my two favorites are Dr. Joyce Meyer and Dr. Mike Murdock. In her down home folksy way, Dr. Meyer helps me look at things from a whole new light and give me a greater understanding when I read the scriptures on my own—all the scriptures, Book of Mormon included. Dr. Murdock has a similar tone of delivery, one that draws me in and makes me think—really think.
One of Dr. Murdock’s main topics has to do with what he calls “Wisdom Keys.” I have a copy of his little book that lists 101 of them. Over the next few weeks, I thought I might write about them here on the Sunday blog, considering how each key might apply to my life in relation to my LDS beliefs. Perhaps these few words will also entice you to consider what you believe.
Like President Hinckley said, “I believe that there are millions who are prayerful, faithful, strong people who are doing their best to rear their families in truth and righteousness, to live as citizens with honesty and integrity and to make a contribution of their lives.”
Whether you’re a member of the LDS church or not, you and I have the same basis for our beliefs—we know the word of God to be true.
And that is the gospel wisdom within us all.